The Belligerent Years
It’s your time to play catch-up with Belligerent Years Radio Hours
Posted by RZ
Apr 19, 2009 at 8:00 pm
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http://www.ustream.tv/channel/the-belligerent-years

I have decided to make the archives available to all for the time being. I am taking a few weeks off and if you need to hear some old shows, please feel free. Sorry that they aren’t very organized. Enjoy.



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Upon Reflection, Luke Skywalker might be the crappiest Jedi who ever lived.
Posted by thebelligerentyears
Mar 21, 2008 at 10:08 pm
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“Obi-wan? Obi-wan Kenobi I need your help. Please, talk to me.”

“I will again transverse through the veil of death to speak with you. You have defeated the Emperor and brought your father, Anakin Skywalker, back to the light side of the Force. You have helped the Rebellion to finally rise from under the oppression of the Empire, and someday, you will bring the Jedi Knights back from the brink of extinction. Oh Luke, why should you need the assistance of your former teacher?

“Yeah, all that stuff is great, but that’s not really why I called you. There has been something bugging me since the last time we spoke and I really didn’t have time to ask about it then. I thought, now that I’ve burned up Darth Vader and helped bury all the dead Ewoks, I could pick your brain for while.

“Ask away, Luke, but remember that there are some mysteries of the Force, that are for you to discover on your own. I can merely guide you, I can’t give you all the answers.”

“No. This isn’t about ‘the Force’, but since you brought it up, do you mind telling me why you neglected to tell me that the Emperor could shoot fucking lightening bolts from his hands?”

“Ummmm. A dark lord of the Sith has many weapons of evil in his arsenal, a Jedi must be prepared for the unexpected.”

“Oh, I see. So when you were giving me the whole ‘a certain point of view” mumbo-jumbo, you couldn’t have slipped me a little info about lightening hands. I mean, shit, that stuff really hurts.”

“Well, Luke. I never faced Darth Sidious. I…”

“Darth Sidious? Who the hell is that?”

“Oh, that was the Emperor’s Sith name, before he became the Emperor. Like I said, I never fought him. Yoda did, though. He never told you about ‘lightening hands”?

“Out of this, leave me, Obi-wan.”

“Master Yoda? Are you there, Master Yoda?”

“No. Too far gone, am I. At peace with the Force. Yes. Barely hear you, I can. Far.”

“Oh cut the shit bantha-shit, Master. He knows you’re there. You might as well help me out on this.”

“Fine. Fine. But in my defense, I forgot all about the “hand lightening”. Long time ago, it was. Besides, lied about your father, Obi-wan did. Went along with it, as a favor, I did.”

“Since I have both of you here, masters. I would like to thank you for mentioning the Leia was my SISTER. I think the sooner I knew that, the better.”

“Master Yoda and I felt that if you knew before you completed your training, Vader and the Emperor would use her against you.”

“Yeah, maybe so. I was this close to breaking about three interstellar laws with her. I even kissed her with tongue.”

“Oh. Gross, that is. Had we known that moving so fast you were, sooner we might have told you.”

“We’re not omniscient, Luke. I hope things did not progress past kissing. Did you…”

“Oh no. NO. Nothing that far, thank goodness. I guess I should be happy that probe droid found the Rebel base on Hoth. Who knows what would have happened.”

“I assume you have told Leia, Luke. How did she take the news?”

“Surprisingly well. I mean, that’s what kind of bothers me. I told her and you know what she says? ‘I know. Somehow, I’ve always known.’. What does that mean, anyway? She knows that I’m her twin brother and she still decides to let me play tonsil-hockey with her? At least I can claim ignorance. What’s her excuse? It’s been awkward to say the least.”

“Weird, that is.”

“Yes it is. Luke, I have no idea what to tell you. You know what? It’s a good thing that all the “Empire” stuff is over and you can get on with rebuilding the Jedi order. Just put that whole “Leia” thing on the back burner. I think you dodged a laser blast on that.”

“I guess so. It’s just that there a so few human females in the Rebellion. I guess now that I don’t have to hide from Stormtroopers, I will meet more ladies. So I’ve got that going for me.”

“Luke, something about being a Jedi, tell you must.”

“What? Do I have to wear one of those robes all the time now?”

“Luke, it is forbidden by the Jedi to marry and have a family. It was your father’s own violation of this rule that hastened the destruction of the Jedi in the first place.”
“Really? I see. I guess I should worry about getting in trouble from you guys, if I decided to help liberate a willing lady from the Imperial oppression of her underpants.”

“Do that all you want, young Skywalker. Marry the woman not, and all will be acceptable. When a padawan, I was, my master always said to me, ‘Ho’s, but not before Bros’. It was a maxim that served me for eight hundred years.”

“Oh, since we are putting everything out there. Luke, you should know that your father constructed your droid C3P-0.”

“What? Are shitting me? Huh, small universe.”

“Disclosure time, it is. During Clone Wars, friends with the Wookie, Chewbacca, I was.”

“Oh this is getting freaky, guys.”

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

(whispering) “Hide for a second, guys. Yes? Who is it?”

“It’s Wentz, Commander Skywalker. A shuttle carrying an emissary from the planet Naboo has just arrived. There is Gungan by the name of ‘Binks’ who requesting to meet with you. He says that he is a friend of the family. What should I tell him?”

“Luke, tell him to tell this ‘Binks’ that you are too busy to meet him, trust me.”

“Really?”

“To Obi-wan, you listen, yes. Unless being annoyed to death, you enjoy. Out of here, I am.”

“Yes, Luke. Do what you want, but I’ve got places to be. Bye.’

“Hey wait. Guys? Guys?”



Comments (1)

It’s Called a Casserole, Asshole!
Posted by thebelligerentyears
Mar 14, 2008 at 10:53 pm
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MMMMM. This is good. What did you say it was?

It’s “Tuna Noodle Aloha”. I got the recipe from a magazine.

Really? Wow. It’s really good. It’s fantastic. It’s scrumptious. So moist.

Thanks. It was really easy to make. It took ten minutes.

Well, that’s great. Delicious food and a time saver. What a combo.

I appreciate that. It was really nothing.

Don’t say that. Don’t talk like that. Don’t sell yourself so short. This is fantastic. It’s fucking ambrosia. I want to shake your hand. I want to shake the hand that made this delicious food.

Oh wait, are you being sarcastic?

No, of course not. I really like it. When I’m finished, I’m going to lick the plate and take a nap, so I can dream about what I just ate. MMMMMMMMM.

You are being sarcastic. I can sense it. I can sense these things.

No, not at all. I’m being perfectly sincere. I swear.

I don’t know. I usually trust my instincts on things like this, and today my instincts are telling me that there is something bothering you.

Uh. I said I was fine. I appreciate your concern, but it’s really nothing. I’m just going to enjoy this delicious “Tuna Noodle Aloha” and let you think whatever you want. Mmmmm. What are these crunchy bits?

Water chestnuts. It called for bamboo shoots, but I like the ‘snap’. Are you sure, there isn’t something you want to get off your chest?

You know, it kind of sounds like YOU have something you want to get off your chest. Are you sure, it isn’t just a guilty conscience making you feel uneasy?

Guilty conscience? Oh boy, this is serious. Wow. Whatever is going on is more than the cold shoulder I have been getting from you all day. This must be something big.

MMMMMMMM, delicious.

Aren’t you going to say something?

Sorry. I was savoring this last forkful of your latest creation. MMMMMMMM. There, I’m done.

Is this because I had sex with your brother?

Bingo!

I knew it. I knew it. I told you that I have sixth sense about these things. I told you that I was sorry. When are you going to let go of this? Is this going to be held over me for the rest of my life? You knew that I had feelings for him. I know it’s no excuse, but I hoped you could at least understand where I was coming from.

It was his funeral, Dan.

Point taken. Would you like some more Tuna Noodle Aloha?

Yes, I would.

Try it with pepper. It really brings out the flavor.



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A Man Trying to Tell His Girlfriend that He is a Werebear at an Olive Garden
Posted by thebelligerentyears
Feb 28, 2008 at 11:16 pm
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“I’m sorry, John. That baby is just soooo loud. I don’t even know why they bring a kid that young to a restaurant. It’s just rude. Babies don’t like spicy food, anyway. Sorry, what were you saying? You’re an Ursanopope?”

“No. No. I’m an Ursanothrope.”

“Does that mean you can’t eat wheat or something? I guess that explains why you haven’t touched your pasta. You’ve been eating those breadsticks like crazy, though. Is that safe?”

“The pasta is fine, Sheila. I’m not hungry. To be an Ursanothrope, it means that once a month, I become something wholly different from the man you see before you. When the moon is full, I feel the call of nature and of the forest.”

“Is that all? So what? I love to camp. Why all the secrecy? I don’t mind. I own a tent. Well, I think I do. I might have loaned it out to a friend. I know I have a sleeping bag, because I just saw it in my closet—wait—I loaned my tent to Julie. God, I haven’t seen her since Easter brunch. I can’t believe that she never gave me my tent back. I –“

“—this has nothing to do with camping, I assure you. Shelia, I’m a Werebear.”

“A Werebear? Oh my god. I knew it. I knew you were gay. You are, aren’t you? I knew it. I should have known. I should have spotted it right away. I should have seen the signs. I could tell from how you hold your fork.”

“Shelia, I’m not gay. What’s wrong with the way I hold my fork?”

“Nothing is wrong with the way you hold your fork. If you’re gay.”

“I’m not gay. I transform into a bear—wait—how does a gay hold his fork, anyway?”

“I don’t know. Just – gay-like.”

“Gay-like? What’s that?”

“You know.”

“What’s wrong with your wrist?”

“Nothing’s wrong with my wrist. I’m just making a point.”

“So holding a fork with a limp wrist and a pinkie out like that makes a person gay?”

“I guess not, but it doesn’t help their case.”

“What case? I didn’t know that you were holding ‘gay’ court. Since when was cutlery usage a sign of homosexuality? Pardon me; I guess I should eat my dinner with my hands, like some kind of animal.”

“Like a Werebear?”

“Exactly. I guess if you happened upon me in Werebear form and saw that one of my claws was askew of the rest, you would think that I was gay Werebear.”

“Well, aren’t ‘Werebears’ gay guys who like guys with beards and hairy backs?”

“That’s just ‘bears’, Sheila.”

“John, you seem awfully familiar with male homosexuality.”

“Me? You’re the one who has been harping on it all evening. Not me. I can’t even think of a time I have even mentioned it.”

“What about the movie last week?”

“What about it?”

“You said that like that guy’s voice.”

“What?”

“You said, ‘I’ve always really liked that voice. Even as a kid.’”

“Sheila, that was Optimus Prime. It was a god-dammed robot. I watched the cartoon as kid. That’s all. I didn’t want to go gay with a robot.”

“I read that we make most of our psycho-sexual connections in early adolescence. Perhaps this Roddimus— “

“Optimus.”

“I rest my case.”

“Where did you read this?”

“In a magazine.”

“What magazine?”

“.”

“It was ‘O’, wasn’t it?”

“Who are you, the king of fact-checkers? It’s a good magazine.”

“You know what – you’re right. You caught me. I’m gay. Gay as the day is long. I love cock. Case closed.”

“My mother was right about you.”

“If she said ‘he loves in the butt’ then she was spot on, because I am a huge queen. I love dudes so much, I wish you were one, so we could ‘do it’ right here on this very table. Right in front of this enormous bowl of salad and God himself.”

“Does this mean that we’re splitting up?”

“Well, at first I thought my turning into a bear once a month would properly distract you from my raging homosexuality for a while longer, but since you found me out, there’s really no reason to keep up the lie.”

“What do you mean, ‘my turning into a bear once a month’?”

“Never mind.”



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