The Belligerent Years
You might want to save these comments for the second date
Posted by thebelligerentyears
Mar 24, 2008 at 10:35 pm
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“You haven’t really earned the right to call yourself a ‘cat-lover’, until you have at least ten.”

“You’re great. I wish I could crawl inside you, wrap myself around your spinal cord, and just live off of your nerve impulses.”

“If Mother had survived her suicide attempt, I’m sure she would have loved you. RIGHT MOTHER?”

“You see, I let you order the large fries. I don’t let just anybody do that, even when I’m paying. That means we have a connection.”

“I may not be the most worldly man around, but I am definitely the smoothest—down there.”

“I swear to the Bejeweled Scimitars of Hlordorin, that this is the freshest salsa I have ever supped upon.”

“Did you here that? It was the sound of me becoming fond of you.”

“I just moved to a new neighborhood. It’s so nice not have to go door to door introducing myself for a change.”

“Ever played ‘World of Warcraft’? No? How about ‘the Choking Game’? It’s new”

“Trust me; the manager will only chase us for a block. It’s only food. He’s not going to risk getting stabbed over a soup and sandwich combo. That way, I will have enough money to get us some ice cream. Okay, here’s a promise. If he gets too close, I’ll poke him with my leather punch. He’ll back off after that, I swear.”



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Upon Reflection, Luke Skywalker might be the crappiest Jedi who ever lived.
Posted by thebelligerentyears
Mar 21, 2008 at 10:08 pm
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“Obi-wan? Obi-wan Kenobi I need your help. Please, talk to me.”

“I will again transverse through the veil of death to speak with you. You have defeated the Emperor and brought your father, Anakin Skywalker, back to the light side of the Force. You have helped the Rebellion to finally rise from under the oppression of the Empire, and someday, you will bring the Jedi Knights back from the brink of extinction. Oh Luke, why should you need the assistance of your former teacher?

“Yeah, all that stuff is great, but that’s not really why I called you. There has been something bugging me since the last time we spoke and I really didn’t have time to ask about it then. I thought, now that I’ve burned up Darth Vader and helped bury all the dead Ewoks, I could pick your brain for while.

“Ask away, Luke, but remember that there are some mysteries of the Force, that are for you to discover on your own. I can merely guide you, I can’t give you all the answers.”

“No. This isn’t about ‘the Force’, but since you brought it up, do you mind telling me why you neglected to tell me that the Emperor could shoot fucking lightening bolts from his hands?”

“Ummmm. A dark lord of the Sith has many weapons of evil in his arsenal, a Jedi must be prepared for the unexpected.”

“Oh, I see. So when you were giving me the whole ‘a certain point of view” mumbo-jumbo, you couldn’t have slipped me a little info about lightening hands. I mean, shit, that stuff really hurts.”

“Well, Luke. I never faced Darth Sidious. I…”

“Darth Sidious? Who the hell is that?”

“Oh, that was the Emperor’s Sith name, before he became the Emperor. Like I said, I never fought him. Yoda did, though. He never told you about ‘lightening hands”?

“Out of this, leave me, Obi-wan.”

“Master Yoda? Are you there, Master Yoda?”

“No. Too far gone, am I. At peace with the Force. Yes. Barely hear you, I can. Far.”

“Oh cut the shit bantha-shit, Master. He knows you’re there. You might as well help me out on this.”

“Fine. Fine. But in my defense, I forgot all about the “hand lightening”. Long time ago, it was. Besides, lied about your father, Obi-wan did. Went along with it, as a favor, I did.”

“Since I have both of you here, masters. I would like to thank you for mentioning the Leia was my SISTER. I think the sooner I knew that, the better.”

“Master Yoda and I felt that if you knew before you completed your training, Vader and the Emperor would use her against you.”

“Yeah, maybe so. I was this close to breaking about three interstellar laws with her. I even kissed her with tongue.”

“Oh. Gross, that is. Had we known that moving so fast you were, sooner we might have told you.”

“We’re not omniscient, Luke. I hope things did not progress past kissing. Did you…”

“Oh no. NO. Nothing that far, thank goodness. I guess I should be happy that probe droid found the Rebel base on Hoth. Who knows what would have happened.”

“I assume you have told Leia, Luke. How did she take the news?”

“Surprisingly well. I mean, that’s what kind of bothers me. I told her and you know what she says? ‘I know. Somehow, I’ve always known.’. What does that mean, anyway? She knows that I’m her twin brother and she still decides to let me play tonsil-hockey with her? At least I can claim ignorance. What’s her excuse? It’s been awkward to say the least.”

“Weird, that is.”

“Yes it is. Luke, I have no idea what to tell you. You know what? It’s a good thing that all the “Empire” stuff is over and you can get on with rebuilding the Jedi order. Just put that whole “Leia” thing on the back burner. I think you dodged a laser blast on that.”

“I guess so. It’s just that there a so few human females in the Rebellion. I guess now that I don’t have to hide from Stormtroopers, I will meet more ladies. So I’ve got that going for me.”

“Luke, something about being a Jedi, tell you must.”

“What? Do I have to wear one of those robes all the time now?”

“Luke, it is forbidden by the Jedi to marry and have a family. It was your father’s own violation of this rule that hastened the destruction of the Jedi in the first place.”
“Really? I see. I guess I should worry about getting in trouble from you guys, if I decided to help liberate a willing lady from the Imperial oppression of her underpants.”

“Do that all you want, young Skywalker. Marry the woman not, and all will be acceptable. When a padawan, I was, my master always said to me, ‘Ho’s, but not before Bros’. It was a maxim that served me for eight hundred years.”

“Oh, since we are putting everything out there. Luke, you should know that your father constructed your droid C3P-0.”

“What? Are shitting me? Huh, small universe.”

“Disclosure time, it is. During Clone Wars, friends with the Wookie, Chewbacca, I was.”

“Oh this is getting freaky, guys.”

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

(whispering) “Hide for a second, guys. Yes? Who is it?”

“It’s Wentz, Commander Skywalker. A shuttle carrying an emissary from the planet Naboo has just arrived. There is Gungan by the name of ‘Binks’ who requesting to meet with you. He says that he is a friend of the family. What should I tell him?”

“Luke, tell him to tell this ‘Binks’ that you are too busy to meet him, trust me.”

“Really?”

“To Obi-wan, you listen, yes. Unless being annoyed to death, you enjoy. Out of here, I am.”

“Yes, Luke. Do what you want, but I’ve got places to be. Bye.’

“Hey wait. Guys? Guys?”



Comments (1)

Over the Counter Allergy Medicines that Sound Like Celtic Gods
Posted by thebelligerentyears
Mar 17, 2008 at 6:57 pm
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Alavert

Benadryl

Claritin

Allegra

Tavist

Like Alien Planets…

Dimetane

Zyrtec

Chlor-Trimeton

Livostyn

Like They Came From the Mind of Robert E. Howard…

Nasal-Crom



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It’s Called a Casserole, Asshole!
Posted by thebelligerentyears
Mar 14, 2008 at 10:53 pm
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MMMMM. This is good. What did you say it was?

It’s “Tuna Noodle Aloha”. I got the recipe from a magazine.

Really? Wow. It’s really good. It’s fantastic. It’s scrumptious. So moist.

Thanks. It was really easy to make. It took ten minutes.

Well, that’s great. Delicious food and a time saver. What a combo.

I appreciate that. It was really nothing.

Don’t say that. Don’t talk like that. Don’t sell yourself so short. This is fantastic. It’s fucking ambrosia. I want to shake your hand. I want to shake the hand that made this delicious food.

Oh wait, are you being sarcastic?

No, of course not. I really like it. When I’m finished, I’m going to lick the plate and take a nap, so I can dream about what I just ate. MMMMMMMMM.

You are being sarcastic. I can sense it. I can sense these things.

No, not at all. I’m being perfectly sincere. I swear.

I don’t know. I usually trust my instincts on things like this, and today my instincts are telling me that there is something bothering you.

Uh. I said I was fine. I appreciate your concern, but it’s really nothing. I’m just going to enjoy this delicious “Tuna Noodle Aloha” and let you think whatever you want. Mmmmm. What are these crunchy bits?

Water chestnuts. It called for bamboo shoots, but I like the ‘snap’. Are you sure, there isn’t something you want to get off your chest?

You know, it kind of sounds like YOU have something you want to get off your chest. Are you sure, it isn’t just a guilty conscience making you feel uneasy?

Guilty conscience? Oh boy, this is serious. Wow. Whatever is going on is more than the cold shoulder I have been getting from you all day. This must be something big.

MMMMMMMM, delicious.

Aren’t you going to say something?

Sorry. I was savoring this last forkful of your latest creation. MMMMMMMM. There, I’m done.

Is this because I had sex with your brother?

Bingo!

I knew it. I knew it. I told you that I have sixth sense about these things. I told you that I was sorry. When are you going to let go of this? Is this going to be held over me for the rest of my life? You knew that I had feelings for him. I know it’s no excuse, but I hoped you could at least understand where I was coming from.

It was his funeral, Dan.

Point taken. Would you like some more Tuna Noodle Aloha?

Yes, I would.

Try it with pepper. It really brings out the flavor.



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Great Moments in Depression
Posted by thebelligerentyears
Mar 12, 2008 at 9:08 pm
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Less Effective Mobster Nicknames
Posted by thebelligerentyears
Mar 11, 2008 at 9:05 pm
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Reginald “Sensitive Nips” McQuade

 

Mario “Late Fees” Faison

 

Donnie “8 to 9 hours of sleep a night” Martin

 

Tony “Magic Fingers” Barzini

 

Louie “the Book Reader” Gialla

 

Liam “Conscientious Objector” O’ Flannery

 

Nicolai “Just Not That Into You” Swaverski

 

Jimmy “Pay Me When You Can” Donnelly

 

Michael “The Undercover Cop”  Alfonze



Comments (1)

Inauguration Day
Posted by thebelligerentyears
Mar 5, 2008 at 11:40 pm
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Children’s Movie Titles That Sound Like Snuff Films
Posted by thebelligerentyears
Mar 3, 2008 at 11:56 pm
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“Escape from Witch Mountain”

“The Sandlot”

“Babe: Pig in the City”

“Freaky Friday”

“Monsters Inc”

“Home Alone”

“The Parent Trap”

“Holes”

“Getting Even With Dad”

“Monster House”

“Open Season”

“How to Eat Fried Worms”

“Rugrats Go Wild”

“Bedknobs and Broomsticks”

 

 

 



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